So let me give you a brief family history of our little hobbit family: (Nerf, just for the record-is NOT hobbit-sized. He's rather scruffy and Scottish-
What's Happening Now
Well I am 9 weeks along with our *suprise!* third...totally came as a shocker, but we couldn't be more happy! And here's where it get's a bit unusual: I'm spotting coloured discharge. Like, alot of brown...and now it's turned to red. I think this most recent time I've peed (which is often. yeah. by your third pregnancy your body is like "umm...i know this junk. you're gonna pee like mad. cuz i know you're growing something over your bladder.") there is mostly dark red discharge now with some very small clots (like sesame seed sized and smaller). Now I just peed again (cuz that's what we pregnant ladies do. we pee. alot.) and nothing. Not even any brown discharge.
What's Going Through My Head
I think I might be miscarrying. Never dealt with this before. It could be nothing. It could be my body getting ready to eliminate this pregnancy from my womb. It could be that we'd had crazy sex a few nights before. Yes, I said the "s" word. It could've been that I've been doing too much physically. It could be that there's just something not right with this pregnancy and He Who Knit Me Together In My Mother's Womb knows what's going on. No I don't understand it. It could be everything, it could be nothing. But I hate this waiting around waiting to see. Yes, it's emotionally wearing on you...sometimes even moreso for my sweet Nerfherder than me.
What I Have Done and Am Currently Doing
-Praying. Like, alot.
-hoping these small crampy feelings just knock it off
-trying to trust in God's goodness-because He isn't out to get me or hurt me.
-called my midwife and she encouraged me and gave me some practical things to do, and some good spiritual advice. (thanks, M...i love you and will never be able to repay you for how much you actually mean to me. you're basically amazing.)
-processing through what-ifs. trying not to get hung up on them. because i am. depending on the minute.
-my emotions are constantly changing...trying to separate myself from them just enough to function and not be mopy.
-being optimistic regardless. i don't wanna sound stupid here, but i am really trying. hoping that everything is just fine, that trusting in God's heart is much more sure than anything "tangible" in this life...that even though "this life is but a vapour"...that Jesus is more sure, more good, more "HERE", more anything than this curtain-veil of a life holds for me.
-crying here and there
-still wanting sushi. not getting any. not right now, at least.
So Basically In Conclusion
I am alive. I am hurting. I'm not sure how I'm doing. I'm okay. I'm not. I'm trusting. I'm real. I'm trying to be honest and open with my husband, myself, those around me, and with the Lord.
I don't need tons of sympathy or pats on the back or just...all that weird awkward stuff. Because frankly, no one really knows what to do relationally in these situations, least of all-me. But please, feel free to leave comments. Be honest. It's okay to share how you're feeling, how you felt, or how you just don't understand or even relate. Whatever you want. And yeah, I'll get "preachy" on you for a second or two. Yes, God cares. No I can't tell you why He allows a child to bloom in the womb, and then allow it to die. I still believe in His goodness and faithfulness. I don't get this whole "maybe so/maybe not" game. I don't nor will I ever understand how His hand in this doesn't make him less good or less God or less capable of being He Who Saved Me...but He is still God. I'm not. I can't be assured that I will ever understand or ever be okay with this part of life. I don't think I have to be. It doesn't make me less of a believer in The Gospel and of Christ's goodness. It does make it hard.
Anyhow, thanks for all of you reading this. If you know me personally, I'd love to ask everyone who'd like to respond to this to post HERE on my blog exclusively instead of sending a FB message, personal email or whatever. Just to keep everything all in one place and hopefully encourage others and help us all to be honest. But if you feel like it's too private or whatever, or to open of a place to do that-email me if ya must;)