Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Ugly And The Beautiful

Disclaimer: I will probably talk about "natural body stuff" on this blog (which means that for most of my male readers/easily-grossed-out-readers this might, well...gross you out.) But hear me out. It isn't for shock value or anything. Maybe it might help someone out there in the intrawebs universe to understand, cope, join arms or whatever...and mostly it just helps me work through stuff. So there you have it. The following post will probably be a great example of a "natural body stuff" example.

The History
So let me give you a brief family history of our little hobbit family: (Nerf, just for the record-is NOT hobbit-sized. He's rather scruffy and Scottish-themed built. It's the rest of us who either have the girth (like Imz) or the hair (like O-man) or the stature (me)). I gave birth to two hobbits who are 17 months apart. One hospital birth which was pretty cool, and a homebirth which was basically the best ever birth. No weird complications. Fun, even enjoyable pregnancies for me. (okok. other than constipation, psycho pregnant hormonal rampages, hip displasia, and general scatterbrained-ness....) aaaanyhow. We get it. boring but good.

What's Happening Now
Well I am 9 weeks along with our *suprise!* third...totally came as a shocker, but we couldn't be more happy! And here's where it get's a bit unusual: I'm spotting coloured discharge. Like, alot of brown...and now it's turned to red. I think this most recent time I've peed (which is often. yeah. by your third pregnancy your body is like "umm...i know this junk. you're gonna pee like mad. cuz i know you're growing something over your bladder.") there is mostly dark red discharge now with some very small clots (like sesame seed sized and smaller). Now I just peed again (cuz that's what we pregnant ladies do. we pee. alot.) and nothing. Not even any brown discharge.

What's Going Through My Head
I think I might be miscarrying. Never dealt with this before. It could be nothing. It could be my body getting ready to eliminate this pregnancy from my womb. It could be that we'd had crazy sex a few nights before. Yes, I said the "s" word. It could've been that I've been doing too much physically. It could be that there's just something not right with this pregnancy and He Who Knit Me Together In My Mother's Womb knows what's going on. No I don't understand it. It could be everything, it could be nothing. But I hate this waiting around waiting to see. Yes, it's emotionally wearing on you...sometimes even moreso for my sweet Nerfherder than me.

What I Have Done and Am Currently Doing
-Praying. Like, alot.
-hoping these small crampy feelings just knock it off
-trying to trust in God's goodness-because He isn't out to get me or hurt me.
-called my midwife and she encouraged me and gave me some practical things to do, and some good spiritual advice. (thanks, M...i love you and will never be able to repay you for how much you actually mean to me. you're basically amazing.)
-processing through what-ifs. trying not to get hung up on them. because i am. depending on the minute.
-my emotions are constantly changing...trying to separate myself from them just enough to function and not be mopy.
-being optimistic regardless. i don't wanna sound stupid here, but i am really trying. hoping that everything is just fine, that trusting in God's heart is much more sure than anything "tangible" in this life...that even though "this life is but a vapour"...that Jesus is more sure, more good, more "HERE", more anything than this curtain-veil of a life holds for me.
-crying here and there
-still wanting sushi. not getting any. not right now, at least.

So Basically In Conclusion
I am alive. I am hurting. I'm not sure how I'm doing. I'm okay. I'm not. I'm trusting. I'm real. I'm trying to be honest and open with my husband, myself, those around me, and with the Lord.
I don't need tons of sympathy or pats on the back or just...all that weird awkward stuff. Because frankly, no one really knows what to do relationally in these situations, least of all-me. But please, feel free to leave comments. Be honest. It's okay to share how you're feeling, how you felt, or how you just don't understand or even relate. Whatever you want. And yeah, I'll get "preachy" on you for a second or two. Yes, God cares. No I can't tell you why He allows a child to bloom in the womb, and then allow it to die. I still believe in His goodness and faithfulness. I don't get this whole "maybe so/maybe not" game.  I don't nor will I ever understand how His hand in this doesn't make him less good or less God or less capable of being He Who Saved Me...but He is still God. I'm not. I can't be assured that I will ever understand or ever be okay with this part of life. I don't think I have to be. It doesn't make me less of a believer in The Gospel and of Christ's goodness. It does make it hard.

Anyhow, thanks for all of you reading this. If you know me personally, I'd love to ask everyone who'd like to respond to this to post HERE on my blog exclusively instead of sending a FB message, personal email or whatever. Just to keep everything all in one place and hopefully encourage others and help us all to be honest. But if you feel like it's too private or whatever, or to open of a place to do that-email me if ya must;)

**kileah**

12 comments:

  1. Hey love, I don't have anything overly productive to say. Just that I'll be praying for you. Remember that God is in control. And I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, whether we know what it is or not...

    ReplyDelete
  2. dawn claek2:59 PM

    First you are a strong lovely beautiful sister in Christ and I so admire and appreciate the boldness of coming out of how you truly feel and not care who you offend..
    I am so sorry you are going through the cramping, spotting and all the emotions this is entailing.. I have been through this many times, unfortanetly it was a miscarriage for me and a very strange body and the way the Lrod made me..
    I know how much your lovely husband,son, daughter, and all family and friends love you and are sending their prayers to HIM as we speak..
    Dear Lord I pray as you be with your loyal follower Kileah, be with her and take away this spotting and cramping, give her comfort with your healing hands and let this baby be the miracle that you are intending.. Give Kileah support, love, guidance, confidence and rest.. Lord you know her heart, and give her the desire she is searching for.. In your lovely name.. AMEN..
    Thank you again for sharing with all of us, my prayers are to you and Micah.. We love you from our home to yours..

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks you for being open and allowing us to post a word. The only thing I know about this subject is with our 3rd, we could have had a 4th and they asked if I had spotted. I told them no and no cramping, so they proceeded to do another ultra sound and said I never had twins. A little part of me thinks I did which my body could have absorbed it in the amount of time before the ultra sound. Either way God is good and I know if there was another it is in heaven. I will pray for your womb and baby. Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm not a doctor or anything, I'm not sure what it could be. I just hope that you are okay and strong in the Lord, He is always there.

    There was a miscarriage in my family a couple years back. It was absolutely devastating, it was very hard to see God's plan in that. I honestly can't imagine what that must be like, I'd be scared.

    I'm hoping and praying that everything is okay. Remember, He does have a plan.

    ~Rachel

    ReplyDelete
  5. I've never had a miscarriage myself (that I know of) and so I can't offer any words of wisdom or comfort from experience, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and am available if there is anything you need at any time.. dinner, someone to watch the hobbits so you can have a little break... anything. Let me know. <3

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey girl! I had the exact same situation when I was about 7 weeks along and I was freaking out. Same bleeding, wierd discharge, all of it. I went ahead and went to the dr where they did an internal ultrasound and everything ended up being perfectly fine! Got to see/hear the heartbeat and see the little kidney bean sized fella even! So it might be worth going into an office and finding somone who will do an internal ultrasound for you- if just to give you peace of mind, one way or the other. Will definitely be praying for you and for the tiny one inside you! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  7. thanks for your comments, encouragements, etc. Tara-i have a question: did your discharge turn from brown to dark red with itsy bitsy clots? like not gushing by any means...but ummm. yeah. i know, gross, but what did they say it was? what was your experience?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Positive thoughts heading your way!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Kileah - So sorry that you are having to go through this hard time of the waiting and the unknown. I did actually miscarry twice so I know that side of what you're going through. And it is lame, to say the least. Even when we know that God is definitely in control and somehow knows what's best for us and even when it makes NO sense we know He is a good God. But that doesn't mean that we don't still have to deal with the emotions and mental gymnastics that are part of how He made us. He doesn't expect this time to be easy or for us to tough through it without a care.

    I have also heard a number of stories from gals who were spotting early on and everything was fine. My bosses wife spotted through one entire pregnancy and everything was fine. So I know that is also a possibility. Wish I had some concrete info regarding how much and what color equals safe :(

    Lots of love and prayers going out to your family today!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous10:51 AM

    I love you.
    --maresah--
    Since I can only post anonymously

    ReplyDelete
  11. Anonymous12:10 AM

    Kileah~ sweetie, just to give you some encouragement, and hopefully not false hope, but with my early M/C the bleeding was VERY red, LOTS of clotting, not just little, then turned brown after a few days. much more than spotting. and no mistaking on the bright red. the brown first would indicate old blood, which I wonder if that could be from implantation? I've heard so many glorious stories of spotting mishaps and healthy pregnancies following. I pray this is the case for you my friend and your little one, but only God knows, and it's apparent that you've placed your trust in Him. you're awesome Kileah, I love ya. am praying for you tonight.
    Bonnie A.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous3:56 PM

    Kileah, your on my heart! I'm praying for you and the tiny miracle in your womb.-Britni

    ReplyDelete